Nashville Remembers 9/11

Country Musicians “Remember the Day the Towers Fell”

On the fourth anniversary of the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center falling to the earth after terrorists strategically flew airplanes into them, country radio stations around the United States are remembering the event by playing their entire arsenal of contemporary country classics. “Basically anything that references ‘Americans’, ‘towers falling’, ‘Osama Bin Laden’, ‘flags flying high’, ‘billowing smoke’, or ‘firefighters pulling children for the rubble’ will be put on our playlist for the day,” said Artie B. Blank, also known as DJ Billy Blank: “the madman of the airwaves.” “Hearing those touching, patriotic lyrics backed by full Nashville production, complete with pedal steel [guitar] and the rising final chorus…it's really something to hear.” When asked if country songs referencing 9/11 were in poor taste Blank replied, “this is the heart and soul of America, this music. It is our chance to give something back. We love it and we love America. If that's a problem for some people, they can hop on a boat with their [picket] signs and go back to France where they came from.”


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Hurricane Refuses to Hit Land

Meteorologists Insist Hurricane Will Hit U.S.

JACKSONVILLE, FL -- Over 250 miles off the coast of South Carolina a category 1 Hurricane is waiting to make land fall...or, so says every meteorologist watching the storm. Hurricane Ophelia has been following along the coast of Florida over the past week, threatening to hit land before veering out to sea where it continues to follow a northeastern trajectory. It appears the hurricane is moving out of harm's way, but meteorologists are not so quick to celebrate.


Meteorlogists project that Hurricane Ophelia will make landfall, despite the storm's current trajectory.

"All of our computer models and our gut instinct say it is going to do a 180 [degree turn] and hit land. The only variant as to where it will hit is how long it waits before turning around," said Douglas Black, an armchair meteorologist who has been following the storm intently from the basement of his Jacksonville, FL home. Black has been monitoring the storm since it threatened to sweep up Florida's Atlantic coastline earlier last week. "I'm going to be disappointed if it just peters out into the Atlantic like a big category 1 letdown. It's not even strengthening, which is sad. Of course, after the excitement of [Hurricane] Katrina, everything will look a little pale in comparison."

Professional meteorologists express similar concern, although specifically point out that they do not wish Ophelia to make landfall on the Eastern Seaboard, lest they suffer lawsuits. "It's not so much a desire to see the storm hit land as it is a knowledge that despite a storm's current path, it can change," says Jacob Northrip, a spokesperson for the National Weather Service, "it can act all cool and calm and then turn around just like that and be crazy like one of those...those shows, those cop shows where the cops chase the guys who get out of their cars running through people's yards and get tackled and sent off to jail and get caught on tape the whole time. It's kind of like that. You never can tell with them. One minute she's over here yelling and howling and then the next minute – ‘hey, look...I'm over here, big boy! Watch me hit this little town and cause social turmoil and flooding!’ Completely unpredictable! They really are magnificent weather systems."


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Bon Voyage!

BON VOYAGE! SUMMER CAMP 2005

Bon Voyage kayakers enjoy
high-tide in Louis Armstrong Park
"Come enjoy the fun at New Orleans' coolest summer camp, Camp Bon Voyage, located in the center of all the action. As floodwaters rise thanks to Hurricane Katrina, campers are taking advantage of the wonderful variety of water activities available. Roof hopping, kayaking, and carcass tipping are some of the top picks for these young fellas. As the happy campers float off in their boats to explore the remains of this famous city, the medics back at the camp prepare hepatitis vaccinations for any unfortunate ones who happen to fall into the chemically imbalanced water. Get your shot today!"


Contributed by Guest Columnist boom_cat23
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Irrelevant Magazine
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Bush Vs. Kanye

President Slams Kanye West in Un-Televised Event

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- During a fictional Relief Benefit for Hurricane Katrina Survivors held in the bedroom of the White House at 2:14am Sunday morning, George W. Bush began what appeared to be an impromptu address, hitting on the recent insults hurled at him by rapper Kanye West. "[Kanye] says I don't care about black people? I'm mister black people!" Bush exclaimed, followed by a well-timed mixture of cheers and jeers from an mp3 recording on the Presidential iPod mix. "And I want these people…these brave survivors of this horrendous atrocity to know, who does this motherfucker think he is? Fuckin' with me like he's playin' ball! Kanye ain't nothing but a suburban gangbang bullshit artist! You roll with your minivan, homes, you roll with that…I'll roll with my Air Force Ones! That's how I roll. Oh yeah. Yeah…yeah…what's this guy, leader of the free world? Come on man, you sell a couple 'a million records and suddenly you the fuckin' freshy fresh…mista' pol-i-tics an' shit? Back up off, man! I own this town. I fuckin' own this town." The president ended his address with a special message to the looters roaming the streets, asking them to "please stop breakin' shit."

The Secret Serviceman assigned to Bush's room said the event was both "inspiring" and "daring." "I don't know anyone else who would say what he said. It takes a certain amount of courage to just come out and let the public know what's on your mind. That's what the haters will never understand."


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Short Takes, Sept. 4

Genie Grants Scalia Strict Constructionist Interpretation Of Wish

WASHINGTON, DC -- A genie freed from a battered oil lamp by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia granted the conservative jurist a strict constructionist interpretation of his wish for "a hundred billion bucks" Monday. "Sim sim salabim! Your wish is my command!" the genie proclaimed amid flashes of light and purple smoke, immediately filling the Supreme Court building with a massive herd of wild male antelopes. When Justice Scalia complained that the "bucks" had razed the U.S. Supreme Court building, trampling and killing several of his clerks and bringing traffic in the nation's capital to a standstill for hours, the genie said, "Your honor, your wish is a sacred and unalterable document whose interpretation is not subject to the whims of society and changing social context."

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August 31, 2005 | Issue 41•35
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Entertainment Lawyer 'Fighting The Good Fight'

NEW YORK -- Although he works long hours for less than seven figures a year, entertainment lawyer Jude Mortison said knowing that he is "one of the good guys" makes it all worth it. "I might not be one of those big fancy city-courthouse types, but I do my part," said Mortison, who tracks down song lyrics used in published works without proper permission and secures the requisite legal and penalty fees for music publishers. Mortison, who bills $800 an hour, added that the look of satisfaction on the face of Warner Brothers executives is all the additional payment he needs.

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August 24, 2005 | Issue 41•34
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Study: 72 Percent Of High-Fives Unwarranted

DALLAS -- Specialists at the National Exuberance Institute said Monday that nearly three quarters of national high-five slap exchanges are unnecessary. "Abuse and inappropriate implementation of the gesture is epidemic," said NEI president Avi Gupta. "Celebratory high-fives are marking such mundane accomplishments as the clearing of paper jams, the ordering of hot wings, the viewing of favorite TV commercials, and the simultaneous wearing of identical items of clothing." Gupta called for the use of restrained high-five alternatives, such as the "thumbs up" and the exchange of curt nods.

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July 27, 2005 | Issue 41•30
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Dead iPod Remembered As Expensive

VENTURA, CA -- A third-generation, 30-GB iPod, serial number AP356372, died early Monday morning at age 2. "I'll never forget all the great music it used to play during my workouts," said the late iPod's owner Sarah Zartman at a brief memorial held over the junk drawer. "It was convenient, portable, and really pricey—almost $500." Zartman said that, had she known the iPod's lithium-ion battery would have such a short lifespan, she might have spent more time listening to it. AP356372 is survived by a BlackBerry.


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June 29, 2005 | Issue 41•26
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All taken from The Onion.

The Search for the Famed "White Looter"

CNN to Pay Top Dollar for “White Looter” Footage

ATLANTA -- The devastation was total and complete. New Orleans, a city ravaged by a history of violence now sits vulnerable while many stranded citizens of that fair city ravage her for food, clothing, electronics and other consumer items. The governor of Louisiana has ordered the National Guard to use violence if necessary. The country waits in anticipation. The media is stuck on replay.

Tired of the image of poor African-American residents using downed power and flooded streets as an excuse to wreak social havoc, CNN is stepping up in an attempt to give a more diversified view of civil strife in the Crescent City. The cable news network announced the offering of a $10,000 check to anyone who "has captured video footage of a white, Caucasian American looting."

One CNN associate stated, "It has to be there somewhere. Somewhere in New Orleans there's a white person stealing a TV and we're going to get it on tape and play it!" The associate went on to say that the footage "didn't necessarily have to be from New Orleans," so long as the "Anglo race is featured prominently and unquestionably in the aftermath footage."

Some commentators have noted the proximity of CNN's offer and rapper Kanye West's public admonishment of the Bush administration and the mainstream media. "It's not Kanye at all," said Steve Roaling, a CNN spokesperson, "we here at CNN are just as tired of seeing African-American looting as the average black person. Once we have the footage to present a more fair and balanced picture of the situation, we will." Roaling went on to blame the hurricane and storm surge for knocking out communication and transportation to the area, resulting in "an incomplete view of those minorities left to fend for themselves by the racist bureaucracy...and Mother Nature."

Average Americans had also noticed the lack of "white looter" footage. "All you see is some black guy running around stealing a DVD Player," said Craig Willaby, an avid news watcher from Beavercreek, Ohio, "you know other people are stealing stuff but it's always the same guy. It really shows the depth of hatred and bigotry in our news networks."


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It Just Doesn't Seem Right

Sinners Fear God, Mother Nature, Uncertainty of Universe (Whatever Those May Be) Study Shows

WASHINGTON D.C. -- In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, sinners across America are uneasy about taking trips to live lives of decadence and debauchery away from the prying eyes of morality, said a new study performed by the National Center for Analytical Analysis (NCAA). Among those malefactors chosen for the study, 57% showed some discomfort of flying or driving over 150 miles to a large city with the particular intent of exclusive drinking and fornication. 13% added specifications to their list of "acceptable" cities, choosing Midwestern and interior cities over coastal areas and Texas. They cited hurricanes, tornadoes and George Bush as their reasons for the choice.

Some heathens have been very outspoken about their discomfort on living in a world where forces of nature and uncertainty are a constant threat. Fox Trubben, an accountant and minor sex offender from Willingboro, New Jersey said, "I had my plane tickets to New Orleans paid for this October but I'm not sure if I'll go after [Hurricane Katrina]. I had a buddy who went to Vegas a few weeks ago and came back paralyzed after getting in a car wreck on the interstate. I thought about going there too, but now I doubt it. It's crazy! It's like god or Mother Nature or whoever is literally trying to get us! I'm afraid to go to work, even." Trubben also noted uneasiness about traveling into nearby Philadelphia for concerts and ballgames.

Even college students displayed concern regarding natural disasters. "We should have gotten past all this baloney," said Ethan Crow, a sophomore at Florida State University. "We used to have diseases, now we have medicine. We used to have racism, now we have diversity. We used to have wild animals, now we have dogs and cats. But a hurricane can still come up and kill thousands of people. It just doesn't seem right." Crow is a philosophy major.



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"All the faux-news not fit for print."
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